To my chagrin, I once again discovered that people I abandoned are leading lives I don't fancy being a part of. Deemed a loser → instant drop in desirability → reminded of why I abandoned them →"nostalgia" vanished. I suppose it's nice to be reassured that I'm better off without these people I used to be very fond of. Disappointing, yet such a relief.
I've noticed that when I was asked to do something I didn't want to do, I had a tendency to do as asked in a way that would backfire to get those directives rescinded. This pattern of behavior goes so far back, as early as when I was three. My father once told me to hurry up when I was taking too long to finish my meal, so I intentionally gobbled up and faked choking to get my grandparents and my mother to castigate him. I can't recall where I learned to do that from at that young age.
Hubs and I are halfway through Killing Eve Season 3 for the second time. Some conversations sparked by Season 2:
S2E1, Villanelle's hospital stay
All my life I have refused to go to the doctor and ignored injuries/conditions that others thought required medical attention.
S2E1, Villanelle killed the boy
My cyber detective friend thought she had been planning to kill him all along. I disagreed. I think she only decided to when he said he wished he's dead, she did him a favor.
S2E3, Villanelle coached Gemma
Messing with people's friendships and relationships like a puppeteer? Sociopath 101.
S2E3, Villanelle hugged Konstantin
Hubs: She shot him!!!
Me: It wasn't personal, just business.
Hubs: She didn't care for him enough to forgo business!
Me: Doesn't mean she doesn't care about him!
S2E4, Hagelslag
Hubs: That's the kind of weird food you would eat...
Here are some occasions people around me were petrified of what I had:
S2E4, Villanelle watching from the window
Hubs: How sad did you feel when you couldn't get the attention of someone you wanted?
Me: Sad doesn't even cover it.
S2E5, Villanelle in mourning
Me: Ah, I can relate.
S2E6, Villanelle following the women
Hubs: What is she planning to do?
Me: I don't think she has a plan. I think she's just bored.
S2E7, Villanelle, Niko, Gemma
(Villanelle said she's so close of letting them go)
Hubs: Is that a lie?
Me: I don't think so, if he loves Gemma, he'll be out of Eve's life, therefore no longer relevant.
(Gemma dead)
Hubs: She hates Gemma so much? Why?
Me: No, killing her is just to fuck with Niko and Eve's relationship.
S2E8, Aaron died
Hubs: Why did he smile???
Me: Amused? Pleasantly surprised?
Hubs: He's happy to die? He wanted to die?
Me: Not really... but dying isn't too bad too?
Hubs: Then why are you so terrified of dying? To the point you get panic attacks?
Me: It only terrifies me if I focus on thinking about dying... the ultimate lack of control is the worst nightmare, but when I'm not thinking about it then it's like meh, whatever? I don't know how to explain it. Like when I tuned in with the fear it gets amplified hundredfold, but otherwise it's muted?
Hubs: Huh. I get what you mean.
S2E8, Villanelle slapped Eve
Me: I think I tried to slap my mother once, when she entered a yapping rampage. Wrong move, she got even more enraged.
S2E8, Villanelle shot Eve
Hubs: Psychopaths can't take rejection?
Me: Isn't that the same with everyone? Just that most people have to move on because they don't have the guts to destroy what they can't have?
Hubs: Why such reaction to rejection?
Me: Reclaiming control, duh.
Hubs and I are halfway through Killing Eve Season 3 for the second time. Some conversations sparked by Season 2:
S2E1, Villanelle's hospital stay
All my life I have refused to go to the doctor and ignored injuries/conditions that others thought required medical attention.
- age 7 - bullies banged my head onto the wall, pain lasted around a month
- age 10 - dislocated fingers; healed crooked
- age 12 - throat infection caused by daily consumption of sizzling hot fries for a month. I also took OTC painkiller every day for a month until they stopped working, the pain got so bad I couldn't even swallow without my whole body trembling
- age 13 - fainted during school assembly due to unattended menstrual pain
- age 14 - dropped a pot of boiling water onto my feet; dragged to the clinic an hour or two later when the adults came home
- age 14 - accidentally sliced my finger 4mm deep, used a band-aid to hold the cut shut
- age 16 - jumped off a moving bus, tripped, skin/flesh scraped off at several spots
- age 17 - carved out a zit that wouldn't go away, wound got infected
- age 18 - fell on my head ice-skating, blurry vision for 3 hours
- age 21 - toothache that lasted a month; dragged to the dentist by Hubs
- age 23 - dislodged gallstones using home remedies
- age 25 - entire inner side of my foot severely bruised for two months after a bike accident
- age 28 - sharp pain from infected chemotherapy-induced rashes on my leg for a week
- age 28 - sharp pain from a mysterious palm-sized abscess plus fever for few days; dragged to the ER by Hubs
S2E1, Villanelle killed the boy
My cyber detective friend thought she had been planning to kill him all along. I disagreed. I think she only decided to when he said he wished he's dead, she did him a favor.
S2E3, Villanelle coached Gemma
Messing with people's friendships and relationships like a puppeteer? Sociopath 101.
S2E3, Villanelle hugged Konstantin
Hubs: She shot him!!!
Me: It wasn't personal, just business.
Hubs: She didn't care for him enough to forgo business!
Me: Doesn't mean she doesn't care about him!
S2E4, Hagelslag
Hubs: That's the kind of weird food you would eat...
Here are some occasions people around me were petrified of what I had:
- ice cubes I took out from my drink and added to my curry noodles
- rice in blueberries yogurt
- nuggets in ice-cream
- fries in sundae
- blueberries in chicken soup
- cereals in slurpee
- cereals in red wine
- potato chips in curry
S2E4, Villanelle watching from the window
Hubs: How sad did you feel when you couldn't get the attention of someone you wanted?
Me: Sad doesn't even cover it.
S2E5, Villanelle in mourning
Me: Ah, I can relate.
S2E6, Villanelle following the women
Hubs: What is she planning to do?
Me: I don't think she has a plan. I think she's just bored.
S2E7, Villanelle, Niko, Gemma
(Villanelle said she's so close of letting them go)
Hubs: Is that a lie?
Me: I don't think so, if he loves Gemma, he'll be out of Eve's life, therefore no longer relevant.
(Gemma dead)
Hubs: She hates Gemma so much? Why?
Me: No, killing her is just to fuck with Niko and Eve's relationship.
S2E8, Aaron died
Hubs: Why did he smile???
Me: Amused? Pleasantly surprised?
Hubs: He's happy to die? He wanted to die?
Me: Not really... but dying isn't too bad too?
Hubs: Then why are you so terrified of dying? To the point you get panic attacks?
Me: It only terrifies me if I focus on thinking about dying... the ultimate lack of control is the worst nightmare, but when I'm not thinking about it then it's like meh, whatever? I don't know how to explain it. Like when I tuned in with the fear it gets amplified hundredfold, but otherwise it's muted?
Hubs: Huh. I get what you mean.
S2E8, Villanelle slapped Eve
Me: I think I tried to slap my mother once, when she entered a yapping rampage. Wrong move, she got even more enraged.
S2E8, Villanelle shot Eve
Hubs: Psychopaths can't take rejection?
Me: Isn't that the same with everyone? Just that most people have to move on because they don't have the guts to destroy what they can't have?
Hubs: Why such reaction to rejection?
Me: Reclaiming control, duh.