I am writing a mega long post about my family background and my upbringing. The good times, the bad times, the dramas. It's very emotionally overwhelming, I've only managed to write at most 4 paragraphs each day before feeling too exhausted to keep going. It's close to completion.
But I just want to take a break and write about something else.
Dom.
I didn't see him for almost a month. He dropped by 3 weeks ago, but only stayed for a very short while. We should've fucked, but we didn't, as he thought he'd drop by again two days later. Ended up we didn't see each other for another 3 weeks, because the bible-monger secretly activated GPS tracking on his phone and found out that he had sneaked out when she was at church. I see she has finally grown some wits, but what she really needs to grow is some balls. Actually, both of them need to grow some, and end this petty thief and cop game. She confronted him about it of course, and he denied of course. That's about it. He left behind his phone at work and sneaked out to have lunch with me yesterday, but again, our date was cut super short because the moment he arrived, she suddenly texted him and asked him what he's having for lunch (notifications popped up on his smart watch). He left almost immediately after ordering his to-go, and she dropped by his office to check if he really had the food he claimed to have gone out to get. Dom didn't reveal where he went, but she claimed she was at the mall we were at. Now he suspected that she had installed another GPS tracker in his car. If that's the case, I don't know when I'll get to see him again.
Then there is this business trip next month that he said he wanted to bring me along since the beginning of the year. I really looked forward to it and pushed for the trip to happen, but now she wanted to tag along, yet wouldn't confirm with him. My patience is wearing thin.
I haven't been obsessively thinking about him much since the bible-monger started going full-on apeshit and kept him a prisoner. I no longer sweat over the future of our relationship, but I never thought of taking the initiative to end it either, until Cece told me that I should, because it's toxic, and it's going nowhere. I don't mind that it's going nowhere, where are we ever really heading anyway? We all live out of the course of our lives, then die. So tell me where we are going. Of course I would like a more foreseeable future with someone, but you can never fully predict or control anything that involves another person. All that matters to me is the present.
So, the present. In my defense it's not really toxic at this point. At least no longer toxic compared to the past, because he can't really bother me anymore. I am kind of seeing another person and he doesn't even know about it, so it's not like I am losing any fun because of him. I told Cece I'll keep him around for whatever benefits I can get, emotional or physical or monetary. But these past few days I've been thinking. The infatuation I had for him and the attachment I felt for our relationship drastically subsided when his dishonesty was proven, now almost fully gone. Heck, he isn't even a dominant to me anymore. He has been reduced to an existence in my phone: regular texts and phone calls every day. No doubt a routine I might need to wean myself off, but do I still need this person in my life, or will I move on just fine?
I thought about ending it. I imagined how it will go down, but I still don't feel the urge to do it just yet. Maybe it's in my nature to drag things out until annoyance takes over, so that I am sure I no longer want someone when I cut ties with them. I don't do the "leave before it turns sour to preserve the good memories" shit. I am a very binary person, it's either you are worthwhile to me or you are not. What good can preserving good memories possibly do me? They exist in the past, and the past is as good as never existed. The past serves to put me into my current condition and present situation, certainly, but it no longer exists. No matter how good the memories are, they are over and they don't play a part in my life anymore. But things turning sour does. It can give me new experience, new perspective: will it ferment into fine wine, or rancid milk with retching stench? Curious, so curious.
Therefore I'd like to exploit every last bit of essence before I discard something I have invested in.
I asked myself if I regretted carrying out the revenge/punishment. Had I chosen to be more accepting about his wandering dick and blatant lies, I might still be seeing him 2 or 3 times every week like before. Meals and dates and grocery shopping and sex. Spanks and kisses and giggles and laughter.
I enjoyed it while it was good. Or while I perceived it to be good. It just didn't sit well with me when I couldn't persuade myself to perceive things the way I used to perceive them anymore. I had to do something to re-calibrate my lens and find out how I want to perceive things next. I just had to.
All truths are easy to understand, once you discover them; the point is to discover them. ~Galileo